Soul searching is not a term that I resonate very well with, mainly because I think for some is not a conscious process but almost a journey you are on throughout your life. A journey that you may not be aware of until the energy that has rippled from your intents grabs you and allows you to view that what you have been experiencing has been a lesson, and that the final leap you have to make is in consciously accepting this lesson and mindfully understanding the path you must then take. This is a concept that took me a while to grasp; that what we focus our energy into becomes a manifestation and bounces back at us in the form of an event, experience or as I say, lesson. Thus when previously writing about the struggle I faced, the mountain I climbed, Nietzsche’s abyss that I was staring into, what I was not then aware of was the fact that I was feeding my energy down the very channel I was trying to block; creating a connection where the energy could return to me in the form of the problem.
Naturally, it seems we build our egos so tall, like fortresses surrounded by the moats of our words, that we miss the point; the draw bridge is not just the spot in which someone can attack and infiltrate us, but is almost the only means of escape. When we dissolve our egos and become less focused on building a defense for something we fear it becomes clear that our castles were preventing us from seeing the world for what it is; a manifestation of our own intent. This lesson came to me in a form which some may have buckled under; an induced psychotic attack in which I was visually aware of where my energy channels had been focused for so long and how I embedded them within the fractals of my very thoughts. It was clear that the fight I have been participating in with my own thought patterns had allowed the fear to become more and more imbedded in my psyche; feeding more and more to the building of my ego. The dissolution of this outlook vividly depicted where my struggle with my own issues had entwined with the struggle of others issues and thus an anchor for negativity to seep into me had been created. The anchor was devised in theform of repeated behaviors- such as: is the door locked, are the windows locked, are the blinds shut. All self-defeating behaviors as these reassure your sub-conscious that there is a problem that you have to protect yourself from, fueling a paranoid delusion which doesn’t even exist.
This experience also allowed me to objectively view the way I interact with those I deemed closest to me and how my energies were being fed to others through my empathetic actions. These energies which I fired down many channels in an attempt to repair others broken auras and set them back on their life paths, were being somewhat subconsciously abused by their egos – resulting in higher towers and larger moats. My strength was being depleted by an ingenious game created by the ego; a crying wolf pleas for help in an attempt to establish an empathetic connection. A chord which creates a channel in which both energies resonate with one another and a bond which ties you to others problems.It became clear that the altered fearful perception I had been experiencing was based on the embedding of not only my own neurosis but also rooted from me taking on the energies of others in an attempt to heal them. Once this was illustrated to me I knew the path which I had to embark down in order to fulfill the lesson that had been rippled back to me. A journey towards psychic freedom began.
When the channels of your energy become so consumed within another, a emotional bond is formed so tightly that you become lost in a feeling of being indebted to that other in some way; like you owe them your time, thoughts and love. This of course can be a healthy bond when between two people who share a reciprocal love toward each other – whether that be romantic or platonic love. Yet when the relationship is built upon the recipient of the energy participating with a false connection, the channel and relationship become a one way street for your energy to be drained whenever it is needed. The difficulty is within these relationships the person who’s energy is being abused becomes attached to the false connection as it masquerades itself as something genuine. Within my own delusion I believed that the connections I had built with individuals were based on such depth of understanding that they must have been reciprocal; something I learned later was just another ego game, played to draw me in and feed itself upon my life source. However being the person that I am, instead of cutting the chords and saving my identity from being sucked from me and manipulated to suit its thieves, I attempted to explain the issue in a hope that they could see that the positivity I could impart upon them would result in something much more powerful in building their own energy. Despite this undertaking the result was more of my energy being expelled into the one-way channels.
This is when life displayed the only real way to become clear of energy leeches, and unfortunately that is to cut them off. It what it really takes to be free. Otherwise they will take you to your early grave through the use of their charm and illusive nature. No matter how much you care for them or believe they care back, underneath the deception that they may even believe themselves their vibration is based upon a vampire nature of the spirit. It is hard to accept that in life some of the individuals that you attempt to bring closer to the deep connection of life abuse your empathic nature, and take your inner light for themselves. When these people come into your life do not be disheartened: send them on their way with a positive wave and a clear cutting of the chord. There are people in life that vibrate on different frequencies to ourselves and when the interaction of these vibrations become detrimental to our own health we must learn to leave those relationships only rippling positively as we move away.
A lesson which has been experienced the hard way.
A lesson which has allowed me to finally feel the weight
lifted from my shoulders and has allowed me to demolish my castle
brick by brick until
I no longer am held back from the true essence of life.
All the experiences which allow us to grow are never stopping us from continuing up the mountain to higher grounds. They serve to strengthem our inner wolves so when we make it there we are truly the person we are supposed to be.