Trying not to disappear.

In a way I feel I’ve done myself wrong for not posting on here in what seems so long, but sometimes life takes from you the tools you need to function in such a creative way.

This is an expression, a story of when things became blurred:

Trapped within fear… lost within physical anxiety.

Not fear no….self perpetuating angst.

Trying not to disappear is the hardest task I’ve had to endure these past months, trying not to let the energies that I naturally absorb overwhelm me; using me as a host for the ripples they wish to create in the world.

              Feeding the wolves as they fight upon my back, watching as evil drains the light from good. Hunger never plagues me. “This is not your fight” Negativity commands as I am pulled under by the waves fear; drowning in a sea of paranoia, vision blurred by untruthful thoughts.

Why is it that on this earth does it becomes easier to be a passenger for the negative energy that forces its way into our vessels? It’s the same as anything else in life: we do not wish to fight, we do not wish for conflict. If we can just let the energies flow through us unconsciously, then we will always remain comfortable in our existence. Conscious ignorance: if we can live happily without fully opening our eyes then we are safe.

What happens when someone who’s eyes have always been open wishes to shut them in a hope of saving themselves? They feel themselves become consumed with negativity, with fear but cannot attempt to stop it because they opened themselves to such an existence when they closed their eyes. The wolves no longer fight upon my back; there is a victor. I am are consumed.

Falling to the floor with my arm stretched protectively above my head the demons swarm around me; taunting me, pushing me deeper into fear, trying to take that last part of my essence.

Strength has blessed me my entire life and I am thankful for it. It allows me to enter that part of myself that has it’s eyes glued shut with panic and slowly pry them open to expose the truth that I am living in.

Your eyes are opened, if only for a millisecond, and you glimpse this protection around you; these positive essences, forms standing in front of you warding off your demons and exuding a warmth that makes you stand to your feet.

When you spend your life sending out these positive ripples to be claimed by those who need them, you may become drained when you forget you don’t have to absorb their ripples but beyond these small exchanges the ocean of life has a strange way of ebbing and flowing through you; taking what you have burdened yourself with and replacing it with what you truly deserve.

Recently I chose to shut my eyes again, to confine myself to a simple existence in order to preserve my essence. Yet now as I carry my good, exhausted wolf up this steep mountain to be healed, I realize living with your eyes shut means you cannot see the truth that is around you; you can only create fantastical ideas within your head, fed my that hungry wolf who commands your demons.

Sometimes we have to get knocked down more than once to learn the lesson that is being given to us, however with each knock we receive when we are able to stand again our legs are stronger and more sturdy than before.

No matter how much weight I carry upon my shoulders I know  will make it up the mountain if I persevere when I  reach the summit I will be truly healed and even stronger than I was when I began the journey.

Unfortunately to learn lessons in life we are met with ugly situations a these are the ones that make it through our exterior and try to imprint on our souls. If this means living in constant state of fear then I know it will strength me so much that when I pass this most recent ebbing of energy that I will be more resilient than I ever thought I could be.

[[Reference to wolves is from earlier post: https://seefurtherblog.wordpress.com/2012/12/04/inner-battle/ ]]

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14 thoughts on “Trying not to disappear.

  1. Oh my God! It’s as if i’ve written this post myself! I almost shivered while reading it…
    You know, i also have been long time off my blog and writing altogether… Life has recently overwhelmed me.. being a sensitive natural empath myself, I’ve taken on a lot of everyone’s and everything’s energies in my lately, and developed a heart ache, and felt I need to take a break, break of healing people, break of counseling people on their life dramas, break from reading deep spiritual and esoteric literature and just go for necessary grounding, just dealing with the simplest and basic things of everyday life…
    And of course in this mode we can’t be much creative, I almost disappear here from a blogoshpere.. And just a few devoted readers actually encouraged me to get back, saying they are waiting for my new posts..
    I have so much to say, but for a while I’ve just been keeping it all to myself… Trying to start writing again this week, let’s see! 🙂

    • Sofia!! I did wonder where you’d been when I came back to WordPress the other day! I read your latest piece and I always find what you have to say so wise and informative. You really do help so many people, even in the blogging world and of course it takes its toll. I feel like a can really empathise with what your saying, I have a natural want and need to make those around me have the best life possible and this means sometimes sacrificing little pieces of ourselves in a hope of showing someone their full potential as a human being. I am so happy to see you are back and taking the same approach as others 🙂 I find it strange that I have come across so many people recently that have been feeling this loss of self and I wonder whether something is collectively draining our energies, and we as empaths feel it the most! Thank you again for being so kind about all of my pieces and I hope to see you up and writing soon so I can read some of your inspiring works 🙂

      • I’m sitting at home and trying to finish an article that I struggled with for a long time already and dedicated specially to explaining the events of the past few months… 🙂
        You are totally right, it had a collective effect – almost every blog I used to follow says right now that the author has been away for a while, fighting with a block and reevaluating the values etc.
        Somehow recently all people had just a bit too much to handle, I really hear it almost from everyone I talk to daily..
        And you know, it’s actually soothing to know that we are not the only ones! 🙂 And i’m sure this is just temporary and we are coming back even stronger and more empowered – but right now we are probably just undergoing some important spiritual and energetic transformations and need to save some energy.. 🙂

      • It took me so long to describe this even though it doesn’t depict the full extent of how I was feeling it was the only way to actually portray what has been happening. So I can understand your struggle to to put into words what you have been feeling. It seems when we feel this heaviness of energy we lose all that makes us a creative human being.

        Those of us who are conscious in the this energy draining are fighting so hard to break through this change is state and will eventually finish our journeys up the mountain shed of our old skins and fresh with happiness and knowledge. I just fear for those who are open vessels, letting life ebb and flor through them because they may feel this strain and not be able to identify it.

        I am glad to see you are fighting hard not to lose your essence in awash of all this and never give up because you are much loved in this community as your positivity radiates even through a computer screen 🙂

      • I just want to thank you for the significant boost of mood your brought me today! 🙂 I was so lucky to come by your blog today 🙂
        Stay in touch, my dear friend! And you are always welcome to share your thoughts with me!

      • No thanks is needed! It was kind of you to come and share you insights with me 🙂 I enjoy your visits as you always have something profound and uplifting to say which motivates me to continue my blogging 🙂 I await your piece and can’t wait to view this experience through your eyes!

  2. I hope you are doing well, my friend! After these long months of transition, i feel i can come back now with more inspiration and feeling more empowered 🙂 I hope life is treating you well!

    • Dear Friend, I know it has been many months since I posted last but I am glad to see you got back on track and carry on spreading your knowledge and love. Unfortunately it took me more time than expected to re-map the journey I was taking, which I now feel I can continue. 🙂

    • Thank you for your kind words and I am sorry that my journey was hindered to the point at which I could no longer share my experiences with you, but I now feel inspired yet again to climb my mountain with a slightly more healed aura and a lighter back-pack.

      • It is nice to hear from you.

        I am glad you feel more healed – you must have put behind you some of the heavy burden…

        It is a painstakingly difficult process for all of us to rid us of the things which hamper us go a lighter way.

        Who knows…-you may feel inspired to write about what you´ve been thrugh.

        Blessings,

        Julien

  3. Oh…. My…. God…..
    It feels as if my heart has been sliced, and poured to be your ink. For so long the stars have failed to shine over the dark skies of my life. The resistance of the tumultuous flow of soul river, has rendered my passions useless, and my hopes and dreams irrelevant in this world of despair and desperation.
    My fox (my version of your wolf) is tired and longs for a night of hearty rest, amidst this treacherous, Nordic terrain. His pelt, torn and faded by life’s mistrusts and betrayals, is in dire need of cleansing, by the safe waters provided by the love of someone who cares only for my soul, and spiritual wellbeing, and not the mystical fairycave that so many others desire in there false quest for happiness.
    It finally feels like the suns of Jupiter are rising over my dark valleys, lighting every crevice, rendered dark by the shadows cast by our fallen, and failed superiors. The soldiers of my legion are rallying, and the battle cry rings true, for the final stand against this oppression that for so long we have had to withstand, alone or otherwise.
    Thank you. Your words have brought courage and prosperity to my otherwise scared and decrepit life.
    I will always remember you, the composer of my life’s symphony, which originated in a minor key, and has been transposed to much lighter and better things.
    Thank you. Good luck. And may Janus forever look in your favour.

    • This post was was so empathetic and I apologize deeply for not having the strength to thank you and you thanked me. My journey of understanding was somewhat delayed as the luggage I carried to was too heavy to carry and the mind was too unfocused to see my path. Now, though time has been lost, I feel ready to continue my journey and I hope you will return to read more and share with me about what you have been experiencing. Thank you to you for being strong enough to share with me the troubles you faced and letting the light shine on your weaknesses; to be healed by those you can see. 🙂

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