In a way I feel I’ve done myself wrong for not posting on here in what seems so long, but sometimes life takes from you the tools you need to function in such a creative way.
This is an expression, a story of when things became blurred:
Trapped within fear… lost within physical anxiety.
Not fear no….self perpetuating angst.
Trying not to disappear is the hardest task I’ve had to endure these past months, trying not to let the energies that I naturally absorb overwhelm me; using me as a host for the ripples they wish to create in the world.
Feeding the wolves as they fight upon my back, watching as evil drains the light from good. Hunger never plagues me. “This is not your fight” Negativity commands as I am pulled under by the waves fear; drowning in a sea of paranoia, vision blurred by untruthful thoughts.
Why is it that on this earth does it becomes easier to be a passenger for the negative energy that forces its way into our vessels? It’s the same as anything else in life: we do not wish to fight, we do not wish for conflict. If we can just let the energies flow through us unconsciously, then we will always remain comfortable in our existence. Conscious ignorance: if we can live happily without fully opening our eyes then we are safe.
What happens when someone who’s eyes have always been open wishes to shut them in a hope of saving themselves? They feel themselves become consumed with negativity, with fear but cannot attempt to stop it because they opened themselves to such an existence when they closed their eyes. The wolves no longer fight upon my back; there is a victor. I am are consumed.
Falling to the floor with my arm stretched protectively above my head the demons swarm around me; taunting me, pushing me deeper into fear, trying to take that last part of my essence.
Strength has blessed me my entire life and I am thankful for it. It allows me to enter that part of myself that has it’s eyes glued shut with panic and slowly pry them open to expose the truth that I am living in.
Your eyes are opened, if only for a millisecond, and you glimpse this protection around you; these positive essences, forms standing in front of you warding off your demons and exuding a warmth that makes you stand to your feet.
When you spend your life sending out these positive ripples to be claimed by those who need them, you may become drained when you forget you don’t have to absorb their ripples but beyond these small exchanges the ocean of life has a strange way of ebbing and flowing through you; taking what you have burdened yourself with and replacing it with what you truly deserve.
Recently I chose to shut my eyes again, to confine myself to a simple existence in order to preserve my essence. Yet now as I carry my good, exhausted wolf up this steep mountain to be healed, I realize living with your eyes shut means you cannot see the truth that is around you; you can only create fantastical ideas within your head, fed my that hungry wolf who commands your demons.
Sometimes we have to get knocked down more than once to learn the lesson that is being given to us, however with each knock we receive when we are able to stand again our legs are stronger and more sturdy than before.
No matter how much weight I carry upon my shoulders I know will make it up the mountain if I persevere when I reach the summit I will be truly healed and even stronger than I was when I began the journey.
Unfortunately to learn lessons in life we are met with ugly situations a these are the ones that make it through our exterior and try to imprint on our souls. If this means living in constant state of fear then I know it will strength me so much that when I pass this most recent ebbing of energy that I will be more resilient than I ever thought I could be.
[[Reference to wolves is from earlier post: https://seefurtherblog.wordpress.com/2012/12/04/inner-battle/ ]]