I lay here in this hospital bed, heartsick; no not heartsick: heartless. There are so many words in the English dictionary with such limited definition. You want to explain how you feel but no words seem to depict the depth of emotion that you hold. All you can do is paint distorted pictures with those inadequate words and hope that someone will be able to see them exactly as you envisioned. The memories are the worst they bend and warp around your words until their truths become fabricated by the affections you held within those moments.
She wasn’t heartless, just cold to my heart; distant to my affections, oblivious to the intensity I felt when I looked into her eyes. Lethargic to how every time we spoke I became entangled in her web: The Black Widow.
Beautiful, oh she was beautiful. Her eyes would grip you from across the room and once they had she’d reel you in and consume you entirely; temptress.
Now all I can do is remember. Watch these pictures flicker through my mind in the hope that one day I may trip and fall into her web where she’ll snare me, luring me in all over again.
“I can tell when you’re lying to me…that’s it right there! That look in your eye that says you can’t stand to be here with me.” As usual she was enduring me. She wouldn’t admit it, no never; she would just stare straight through me as if I was a ghost.
“I can’t give you what you’re looking for. When I’m here with you there is always a part of me which is somewhere else and when I’m alone there’s always a part of me that loathes the thought of being here. I can’t give you respect although you worship the ground I walk on, I can’t give you security although you wrap yourself around me so tightly that I suffocate, and I certainly can’t give you my heart because you’ll have to find it first.” Eyes of a lioness, words spoken with a knife; she cuts through me effortlessly.
Heartache, heartsick, heartbreak, heartless; my heart shatters as she renders me speechless.
Is it right for a man to fall to his knees in front of the one he’s supposed to be strong for? If you could feel the ice piercing through my body, ripping my tendons, slicing my bones and coating my very core you’d fall as well; but no further than I did.
Here in this cold bed with these cold limbs and this cold heart I wish I’d never been bewitched by that fascinating siren. But those eyes…how I wish to see those eyes just once more.
Sleepless without her, the illness creeps up on you at night; trying to steal your soul secretly in the darkness. The cancer of my lungs causes a breathlessness which does not compare to how I felt every time we kissed or every time the words I love you escaped her lips in a hurried whisper. She did love me she was just lost in a heart too big for only me to inhabit alone, so she blackened parts of it with harsh words and hateful glances.
Worst thing is I know I’m dying here, alone in this prison cell of a hospital bed with just the monotonous beeping of the machines and a heartache which will never escape me. As I slip away I will think of the love which could never be matched but also how it was never achieved.
“Can you not even bare to say I love you anymore? After it all you’re going to keep me hanging here on this thread which frays with every sharp look you give me, at least cut it. Let me fall and hit rock bottom, I’m close enough that I won’t even feel it.” Beaten down by my heart I stood astonished. Striped down to my bare emotion; I’d shed all dignity, all that was left was the burning sensation she imprinted on my skin.
Love should not exist outside of physical interaction, look what happens when it does: it breaks you, beats you down and demolishes all human dignity.
“What am I supposed to say? I know you think I’m cold but I cannot be who you want me to be anymore. Maybe we made each other this way; destroyed what we were, what we loved about each other, to make things work. Now look at us, both lost to memories. All that we were exists only in the past. I can’t let go of you, not for love, but because we are all that tie each other to everything we ever were.”
I’m sure my heart was infected with this poisonous disease even before I felt the heaviness in my lungs, yet here I am slowly disintegrating into nothing.
The gasps start slowly as if you’ve just run up a flight of stairs; you stop for a breath and then look up and see the hundred more flights to climb. Thousands and thousands of flights lay before my eyes with no end in sight, and no stopping to catch that breath which seems to always be one flight ahead.
Struggling to breathe I cling to my memories, each one treasured as much as the next; but the ones of her are indescribable, you cannot fathom it until you’ve felt it take you entirely. When you look into someone’s eyes at their lowest moment, no matter how sad, angry or disgraceful they have become, and still utter the words I love you.
This is what I hold to my chest, my beating heart, as I fall further; further than she ever dragged me, further than I ever pushed myself. Knowing that there is no way to pick myself back up, that this is it; I no longer exist to you my love…
….if I ever did.